Bend, Don't Break

Series 3 Episode 8 Overview

She Snippets for She Speaks Podcast Series 3 — Making Sense of the Hard Bits of Parenting

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Episode Overview

We've all been there—the carefully planned day that suddenly dissolves into chaos. The unexpected meltdown that derails what should have been a simple transition. We reach for structure, believing routines are the answer. And often they are. But what happens when the systems we create actually hold our children back?

In this snippet, Delyse explores the difference between helpful routine and harmful rigidity, why some children can't be flexible (not won't), and how to build enough predictability for security while creating space for growth. The goal isn't perfect adherence to a schedule—it's raising children who can navigate both the predictable and the unexpected.

This Episode

Delyse explores the balance between structure and flexibility—being prepared for not being prepared. We explore:

The power of predictability:

•       When children know what comes next—that dinner follows homework, that bedtime stories come after bath—something remarkable happens: they cooperate more readily because their expectations are clear

•       Research confirms it: children with consistent routines show better self-regulation, improved executive functioning, enhanced academic performance, better sleep, healthier eating, and lower stress hormones

•       For families navigating high-risk environments—poverty, parental mental health challenges, chronic illness, disabilities—routines provide islands of stability in turbulent circumstances

The paradox:

•       Not all rigidity is routine and not all routine is healthy

•       Some children struggle with what looks like willful stubbornness but is actually brain-based difficulty with cognitive flexibility (ADHD, Autism, FASD)—they CAN'T be flexible, at least not yet

•       While these children benefit from predictable routines, they simultaneously need help developing flexibility itself

•       The routine that comforts can also reinforce rigidity if we're not careful

The middle path:

•       When a child insists on the zoo trip today: a rigid "no" escalates the situation, but so does immediately restructuring your entire day

•       Acknowledge it's a great idea, explain the constraints, collaboratively find an alternative—you're teaching flexibility

•       Growth mindset connection: "I can't do this" transforms into "I can't do this yet"

•       Flexibility isn't just about tolerating disappointment—it's about seeing challenges as opportunities rather than threats

Practical strategies:

•       Start with essentials: routines around sleep, meals, and transitions—a skeleton of predictability within which flexibility can develop

•       Build in unscheduled time: your routine can literally include "free time" as child's choice

•       "Yes Days": schedule a day where whatever the children want to do, you say yes—teaching spontaneity through scheduled spontaneity

•       Approach rigidity with curiosity, not confrontation—their thinking brain has gone offline; your logic won't reach them

•       Help them regulate first, then explore together when calm: "Why was that so important? What is it about that activity that's essential to you?"

Rethinking "no":

•       For children who struggle with cognitive flexibility, "no" can be exceptionally triggering

•       You don't have to change your answer, but you can change your approach

•       Try: "What a fun idea. Today's a bit tricky because of this, this, and this. But let's look at the calendar together and find a day where that will work."

•       Use visual schedules, timers, tangible time markers—don't just tell them verbally

•       Put a question mark on the schedule: "I've got a surprise for you"—teaching flexibility gradually

•       Praise effort over results: "I'm so proud of how hard you tried" teaches more about flexibility than "great job"

•       Model flexibility: when your plans fall through, say "That's tricky. I was expecting to do this today and now it's not going to happen. Let's see what we could do instead."

Quotable Moments

"You are working with skill, not will. The child who can't transition smoothly isn't being difficult on purpose. They're showing us the edges of their current capabilities." — Delyse Clayden

"The routine that comforts can also reinforce rigidity." — Delyse Clayden

"Boredom—the state we rush to eliminate—is actually what motivates children to seek new experiences and engage in creative thinking." — Delyse Clayden

"The most important routine we can establish might just be the habit of pausing, breathing, and asking: What does my child need right now to grow?" — Delyse Clayden

About Your Hosts

Professor Narelle Lemon is a researcher, educator, and passionate advocate for women's wellbeing based at Edith Cowan University in Perth. Creator of She Speaks and the Citizen Wellbeing Scientist project, Narelle has dedicated over 25 years to one powerful belief: self-care is not selfish—it's essential.

Delyse Clayden is an experienced educator, disability advocate, and mother of three. Specialising in Anxiety, Autism, and working with siblings, Delyse brings both personal and professional experience to her advocacy work. Her unique perspective as both an educator and a parent living alongside additional needs allows her to connect authentically with families.

Resources Mentioned

•       Delyse Clayden Advocacy: www.volume-disabilityadvocacy.au

•       WA Mental Health Association: Resources on staying calm in challenging situations — www.mhc.wa.gov.au

•       Explore & Create Co: www.exploreandcreateco.com

Connect With Us

Listen to more She Speaks episodes exploring women's wellbeing and self-care

Visit our website: www.shespeakswellbeing.com

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A Note on Wellbeing

She Speaks is dedicated to amplifying women's voices on self-care and wellbeing. While we share personal experiences and practical strategies, please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health practitioner.

She Speaks is proudly supported by the Western Australian Government and Department of Communities Women's Grants for a Stronger Future Grants Program.

She Speaks Podcast was recorded on the lands of the Whadjuk Nyoongar people. We respectfully acknowledge our elders past, present, and emerging.