Telling Them What You Need
Series 3 Episode 7 Overview
She Snippets for She Speaks Podcast Series 3 — Making Sense of the Hard Bits of Parenting
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Episode Overview
When you're going through something difficult—health battles, mental health challenges, overwhelming circumstances—how do you talk to your children about it? How much is too much? How little leaves them filling in the gaps with their imagination?
In this snippet, Delyse shares practical guidance on having age-appropriate conversations with your children about your own needs. Because children often know when something's wrong. They hear fragments of conversations. And silence doesn't protect them—it leaves them alone with their worry.
This Episode
Delyse shares 25 tips on being honest with your children about your own struggles—without overwhelming them. We explore:
How to share:
• Tell it as a story—one step removed: "Once there was this mum who..." or "I knew this person who..." This lets you share without making them feel they've caused any problems
• Don't place blame on anyone, especially if they're contributing to the stress
• Some children (literal learners) prefer facts—ask them: "Do you want the medical details or just the brief notes?"
• Lying is generally not helpful—children often know when a parent isn't being truthful, and they can resent you if they find out the truth later
• They'll worry MORE if you keep things secret—they hear fragments of conversations and make up their own scenarios in their heads
Age-appropriate language:
• Young children: "Mummy's body isn't working like it used to. I might need some extra rest and extra help."
• School-aged: More details about daily routine changes and how it may impact them—if they need to get themselves to school, or you need to sit on a comfortable chair rather than the floor to hear them read
• High school: More open conversations about difficulties and treatment
• Example of gentle but honest language: "Your heart beats on its own and makes sure the blood moves around your body, but mine doesn't. Sometimes it beats too fast or too slow, so I need to be careful."
Asking for help:
• Let them know when you're not okay and ask for support—it is okay to not be okay, and we're telling them that
• Give them a purpose: "I'm having a particularly difficult time. Can you help your brother get dressed?"—something tangible they can do
• Even if they're too little to help, sometimes just them sitting with you is enough—and you're modelling that it's okay to ask for help
• Have them involved in care tasks if appropriate; let them know how much you appreciate them helping
• This is about women embracing that people can help and will help and want to help—you don't have to do everything on your own
Creating space:
• Let the school know so they can monitor changes in behaviour or work—often the first signs something isn't being handled well
• Let them have time away from you and from each other—play dates, time out from the situation. Don't stop them from being able to remove themselves
• Let the community support you—show your kids that having people around is a good thing
• Family therapy with a professional who knows how to talk about these things and answer questions
• Family meetings—end with positive messages and praise for their efforts
When they respond:
• Children often bottle up feelings—don't take it personally. They might not want to talk straight away but come back later
• Teenagers often get chatty at 9:30pm when you're ready to go to sleep—let them have that time to communicate
• Allow and expect anger if you can't meet their needs—especially young children who are "self-centred little creatures until they learn not to be"
• They don't necessarily understand why mum, who might have done it before, can't do it now
• Give your child a voice—actively listen, make note of what they've said, make an effort to support them
• Look for other ways to express: journaling, drawings, art, music—it might not be verbal. The arts are powerful for this
Modelling:
• Apologise when you're wrong, angry, or have lost your temper—this is the kind of modelling we want to see
• No one expects you to be perfect—and it's in those imperfect moments that the learning occurs
• Children see that adults can make mistakes, and then when they make mistakes, that's okay too
• Don't be afraid to cry in front of them—crying is not a sign of weakness
• We need to break down both the toxic masculinity message that men can't cry AND the female message that crying means you're weak
• All emotions are valid—what you DO with them might not be appropriate, but feeling them is okay
• Get yourself in a good headspace before big discussions—you don't know how they'll react
• Talk much and talk often; set expectations that this may be a long-term change—there might not be a day when things go back to how they were
Quotable Moments
"It is okay to not be okay. We're telling them that." — Delyse Clayden
"They often know when a parent isn't being truthful. They'll worry more if you keep things a secret." — Delyse Clayden
"No one expects you to be perfect—and it's in those imperfect moments that the learning occurs." — Delyse Clayden
"Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's one of the best gifts you can give yourself in order to process and to feel those emotions." — Delyse Clayden
About Your Hosts
Professor Narelle Lemon is a researcher, educator, and passionate advocate for women's wellbeing based at Edith Cowan University in Perth. Creator of She Speaks and the Citizen Wellbeing Scientist project, Narelle has dedicated over 25 years to one powerful belief: self-care is not selfish—it's essential.
Delyse Clayden is an experienced educator, disability advocate, and mother of three. Specialising in Anxiety, Autism, and working with siblings, Delyse brings both personal and professional experience to her advocacy work. Her unique perspective as both an educator and a parent living alongside additional needs allows her to connect authentically with families.
Resources Mentioned
• Delyse Clayden Advocacy: www.volume-disabilityadvocacy.au
• WA Mental Health Association: Resources on staying calm in challenging situations — www.mhc.wa.gov.au
• Explore & Create Co: www.exploreandcreateco.com
Connect With Us
Listen to more She Speaks episodes exploring women's wellbeing and self-care
Visit our website: www.shespeakswellbeing.com
Follow us on Instagram: @shespeakswellbeingstrategies
A Note on Wellbeing
She Speaks is dedicated to amplifying women's voices on self-care and wellbeing. While we share personal experiences and practical strategies, please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health practitioner.
She Speaks is proudly supported by the Western Australian Government and Department of Communities Women's Grants for a Stronger Future Grants Program.
She Speaks Podcast was recorded on the lands of the Whadjuk Nyoongar people. We respectfully acknowledge our elders past, present, and emerging.