This Is Not a Tantrum

Series 3 Episode 9 Overview

She Snippets for She Speaks Podcast Series 3 — Making Sense of the Hard Bits of Parenting

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Episode Overview

Working in the disability industry, Delyse hears a lot of parents say their child had a meltdown when actually it was a tantrum. That distinction matters—because what works for one won't work for the other.

In this snippet, Delyse explains what's really happening in each, why sensory overload is such a significant trigger, and what to do when you and your child are both overwhelmed at the same time. Because sometimes, you won't be the calm one—and accepting that is completely okay.

This Episode

Delyse explores the critical difference between tantrums and meltdowns, and what happens when sensory overload hits you both. We explore:

Tantrums:

•       Strategic (even if the child doesn't consciously realise it)—a reaction to frustration when a child wants something and hasn't learned a better way to ask or cope with disappointment

•       Have a purpose: to get something or avoid something

•       Predictable patterns—during homework time, bedtime routines, transitions, or being told no

•       The uncomfortable truth: if we give in during tantrums, we teach children that this strategy works

Meltdowns:

•       Not manipulation or a choice—it's a crisis, like a computer receiving too many commands and crashing

•       The child isn't trying to achieve something—they've become overwhelmed and lost their ability to cope

•       Signs: uncontrollable crying not connected to what just happened, aggression towards self or others, shutting down completely, repetitive sounds to block out the world

•       Some children have "implosions"—withdrawing entirely, curling into a ball, going silent

•       Result from an accumulation of stresses—not always predictable

Sensory overload:

•       Fluorescent lights can feel like knives in your eyes; a clothing tag can feel like sandpaper

•       Delyse's experience: wore socks inside out as a child because of the seams on her toes; found seamless socks for her autistic child

•       Physical discomfort often goes undetected—Temple Grandin notes children may have hidden painful conditions they can't describe

When you're both overwhelmed:

•       There are times when you won't keep calm—and accepting that is completely okay

•       It's okay to get down on the floor and say "I'm struggling too. What can we do? Let's get out of here."

•       Being honest helps them realise there's nothing wrong with them

•       If you experience sensory overwhelm yourself, you're in a perfect place to understand your child

For parents who don't experience sensory overwhelm:

•       They're not doing this to you—they're not trying to be difficult; they're experiencing something difficult

•       Time away for both of you is perfectly fine

•       Don't try to reason it out of them during the meltdown

Quotable Moments

"A meltdown feels like you're not yourself anymore—like shaking a soda bottle all day long. And then finally it opens and everything erupts." — Adult with autism, quoted by Delyse

"There are times when you won't keep calm. And accepting that is completely okay." — Delyse Clayden

"They're not doing this to you. They're not trying to be difficult. They're experiencing something difficult." — Delyse Clayden

"You are in a perfect place to understand your child because you've been there yourself." — Delyse Clayden

About Your Hosts

Professor Narelle Lemon is a researcher, educator, and passionate advocate for women's wellbeing based at Edith Cowan University in Perth. Creator of She Speaks and the Citizen Wellbeing Scientist project, Narelle has dedicated over 25 years to one powerful belief: self-care is not selfish—it's essential.

Delyse Clayden is an experienced educator, disability advocate, and mother of three. Specialising in Anxiety, Autism, and working with siblings, Delyse brings both personal and professional experience to her advocacy work. Her unique perspective as both an educator and a parent living alongside additional needs allows her to connect authentically with families.

Resources Mentioned

•       Delyse Clayden Advocacy: www.volume-disabilityadvocacy.au

•       WA Mental Health Association: Resources on staying calm in challenging situations — www.mhc.wa.gov.au

•       Explore & Create Co: www.exploreandcreateco.com

Connect With Us

Listen to more She Speaks episodes exploring women's wellbeing and self-care

Visit our website: www.shespeakswellbeing.com

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A Note on Wellbeing

She Speaks is dedicated to amplifying women's voices on self-care and wellbeing. While we share personal experiences and practical strategies, please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling, we encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health practitioner.

She Speaks is proudly supported by the Western Australian Government and Department of Communities Women's Grants for a Stronger Future Grants Program.

She Speaks Podcast was recorded on the lands of the Whadjuk Nyoongar people. We respectfully acknowledge our elders past, present, and emerging.